"...as someone once imagined it."

I am still working on my dissection of the human brain. I want to properly articulate everything that has become apparent on that frontier, especially after looking at “The Brain Book” by Rita Carter. Yes, I was the dork who meandered into the reference section at Borders and loved every second of it as I sat cross-legged on the industrial carpeting. Those revelations will come soon enough.. but this is now.

***

So, the other night I got out of work at “Job 2.” It was a little chilly, but the winds had subsided and the city lights were burning brightly. It felt like a night to be out, even if doing nothing at all. Spontaneity kicked in, and I maneuvered the streets away from my normal wrought home. I followed the skyline in hopes of reaching one of the taller buildings. I really just wanted to be on top of the world, and look down at everything, breathing in that cool night air.

Unfortunately, I was unable to convince the security guards of any of the lofty buildings to let me up to the top floor, let alone the roof (partially because it was so late, partially because they probably thought I was suicidal), so I didn’t get to look down at my coruscating city. It did remind me of a book though. There is a scene in “Paper Towns,” by John Green where the main characters go up to the top of a corporate skyscraper and look down at the town, much in the way I had so wanted to do.

“It’s more impressive...from a distance I mean. You can’t see the rust or the weeds or the paint cracking. You see the place as someone once imagined it.”
“Everything’s uglier up close.” she said.

I hadn’t been able to remember the exact quote as I walked along toward my next destination of the night, but I embraced the mood of it. I looked around the city, and saw people who were still in the streets at that late hour. It was easy to see their trendy clothing, piercings, and their slightly liquor induced swaying steps. But I wondered hypothetically about their skeletons that I couldn’t see from the outside.. If there were emotional scars that sullied their minds.. if they actually had opinions on the many political and environmental complications that are occurring as of late.. if they were just more comfortable living in their name-brand oblivion.. had they imagined themselves being where they were that very night, looking the way they did, years before...or expect things to stay the same in the future- Does it even matter?

To everyone else in the world, my problems and experiences look like invisible dust... maybe they are. Maybe yours are. Maybe everyone needs to take a chill pill and step down from their pedestals for a day, and check their attitudes and artillery at the door as they continue to stumble along the sidewalks- the same sidewalks I’ve literally seen stained in homeless blood and littered with trash.

I don’t even know where this entry is going anymore. But in an case... have a wonderful day, night, and let me know if there is a precipice from which I can gaze.

"...lions, and tigers, and bears..."

Ok, WOW. In the fiasco of getting free internet, I am sitting here in the Barns&Noble. Not that I make it a practice of listening to peoples’ conversations in public, but this guy has been ranting on and on about things. He mentioned how in New Jersey if a guy were to break into your house and hurt himself, he could legitimately walk off of your property, go to the hospital, then sue you for hurting themselves on your property. So, apparently as long as you drag the sorry soul back into your house and kill them, you wont loose your house to legal fees and can blame it all on self defense. Talk about politics.

Actually, yes, LETS talk about politics. So there are changes happening. It’s actually difficult for me to say exactly what those changes are, but I know that they involve money, healthcare, citizenship, money, education, taxes, money, war, money, money, money, and money.

I am pretty tired of money and politics.. And even more annoyed that they hold hands and run wildly into the sunset together. Yes, government is a system that is supposed to create order, and ultimately create a better life for us. But more often than not, I feels like a system of entrapment.

You are born, and cost thousands of dollars to raise. You are required to get immunized, be sent to school, be fed every day, be transported from here to there and places in between. You have to fill in countless circles on countless pieces of paper answering questions to tests that determine where you will pay more money to go to more school, where you will pay more to live and eat, where you will have to pay to fill in more circles and take more tests, to get a piece of paper that tells you are qualified to get a job.. Where you pay more money for attire that is appropriate, and then pay more money for money that you didn’t necessarily have to pay for the 4+ years of filling in circles, and then pay for water, rent, more food, TAXES, and maintenance on your degenerating body. Then you apparently need health insurance, life insurance, home owners insurance, car insurance, flood insurance, and death insurance. Even at the end of it all, it costs thousands of dollars for you to be buried six feet under.

Less personally, compliments of “The Visual Miscellaneum,” by David McCandless, the following is in billions to every $1:
$440 - US Defense Budget
$352 - Walmart Revenues
$11 - Walmart Profits
$300 - Yearly ammount given to charity by Americans
$41 - Bejing Olympics
$60 - Predicted Cost of Iraq War (2003)
$102 - Iraq War (2006)
$133 - Iraq War (2007)
$3000 - Iraq War (Estimated total)
$97 - Internet Porn
$18 - Yoga industry
$32 - Video Games Market
$27 - Gift Cards
$515 - per year to shift the entire world to renewable energies
$385 - Worldwide advertising spend
$320 - Global illegal drug market
$316 -Bribes received by Russian officials
$534 - Global Pharmaceutical Market
$175 - Google Value
$4 - Erectile dysfunction
$19 - Anti-depressants
$21 - Freebies for Doctors
$15 - Facebook
$46 - Bill Gates fortune
$68 - Nintendo market value
$230 - Manned Mission to Mars
$7800 - “Worst Case Scenario” cost of financial crisis to US Government
$2800 - Cost of Financial crisis to US Government (to date: Aug, 09)
$500 - The New Deal, the recovery package in the US after The Great Depression
$114 - The Marshall Plan to rebuild Europe after WWII
$238 - UK Government Bailouts
$823 - NASA’s total all time budget
$67 - German bailout (Jan 09)
$35 - French bailout (Dec 08)
$24 - Wall Street Bonuses (2006)
$36 - Wall Street Bonuses (2007)
$18 - Wall Street Bonuses (2008)
$200 - Africa’s entire debt to western nations

The list goes on. But really WHO DECIDES ALL OF THESE VALUES?!?!?! and for WHAT?! There is another chart later in the book that even shows the anticipatory cost for various things like the Y2K apocalypse, SARS Quarantine, Asteroid Collisions, Killer Wasps, and Mad Cow disease.. Showing how much people spent freaking out about them in comparison to how many people actually died. Generally, not nearly enough to justify the spending..

So getting back to that guy who babbled on:
“...The only law that needs to get passed, is one that prevents people from shooting predatory animals. You know, lions, tigers, bears, even dear. That way, all the stupid people would get killed off. Seriously, I heard a story about some guy who tried to hug a bear.”

That would be priceless to watch.

"..a dollar bill.."

My dad forwards me e-mails. Most of the time forwards mean spam-worthy-send-this-to-50-people-or-have-seven-years-of-bad-luck type stuff; bleh. But not the one’s he forwards. When I do have the capability of logging into my e-mail and checking it, I try to see what some of them are. Yesterday one really brightened my mood. It was simple, without funny pictures or graphics, just plain text- a list of stuff someone had taken the time to write down. Such as: I think mapquest should start at #5 (I think I know how to get out of my own neighborhood); The freezer deserves a light too; I get nervous when exiting wordprocessor and it asks if I would like to save any changes (when I don’t recall having made any!); Have you ever looked at the dollar bills in your wallet and wondered if they had ever been in a stripper’s ass-crack? (well you will now!); etc.

I actually laughed out loud at some of them. With how serious life gets, it felt good.

In any case, I did start to think about that dollar bill concept. Not just the idea that it could have been in a strippers ass, but where else it could have been.. I mean, it could be any object really. Inanimate objects are made all of the time. They have no heartbeat, no brain, just the purpose for which they were created. So in the lifetime of an object- which potentially could outlast many generations of living people- where does it go? And to what demise?

A dollar could be printed, distributed and travel the world- passing the ravages of gang wars, corner stores, international exchange... it could be processed through thousands of vending machines, hundreds of toll booths, and travel more miles than any of the people who have ever carried it. It would likely be soaked through with chlorinated pool water at some point. Wrinkled, only to be flattened out again, and folded many different ways. Traded for various values-even though it is the same as the day it was printed. Until something happens to it. Until it is lost to the universe or destroyed- possibly burned. And in that destruction, all of that history is gone. Not that anyone would have really understood its journey at a glance anyway.

I guess what I’m getting at, is just that concept. Even when it comes to people, there are many times when you just can’t fathom what someone has been through. Experiences are all about perspective. Most of that is just an accumulation of mood, environment, stress levels, and social thresholds. People take their experiences and let them help shape who they become, for better or worse. I have read too many books about people who make bad decisions just because they have had bad things happen to them.

In raw generalization, what is the real difference between two people sitting on the same bus? In that moment, it is where they are going...not just where they had been. It is always a choice to react negatively. If you don’t die, everyone has the capacity to better themselves. Everyone. There is no sign on you that tells the entire world your story as you see it. There is no requirement for you to dwell on things that once were. You wake up, and open your eyes just the same as every other person you might envy. What’s stopping you from getting to a place you want to be? If a dollar can go through everything it does, why can’t you hoist yourself up from of the clutches of gravity, and bring yourself to take a couple steps closer, farther, faster? You actually get to choose where you go, unlike those inanimate objects.

People can be so pessimistic and unmotivated.

At the end of the day... just think of how you spend your money and how your own life should be spent- before it ultimately ceases to exist.

"Dude, it's mating season."

I remember doing a research paper for my AP Psychology class a few years ago. We were able to choose our own topic, then explore it, study it, and analyze the factual data which was accumulated. Maybe it seems like a long, boring assignment to some of you, but I enjoyed it. I spent the four+ months which was dedicated to this project studying the differences between men and women. It was a broad topic, and had to be narrowed down for the paper. My main focus become the differences in thought processes of the two genders.

..On that raw level, looking at a person in such a primal light -removing social expectations -removing the experiences they may have had.. to see the motivations in their simplest form... was fascinating to learn.

Some of the findings I can recall include the occurrence of attraction. Apparently men with blue eyes are more likely to be attracted to a females with blue eyes. Why? Because blue eyes is a recessive gene. It’s not that the man would say, “Hey, l like this color eyes.” It’s more like his security deposit on his possible child. If the man mates with the blue eye’d female, their child would have blue eyes. Subconsciously, he would know that their relationship was secure, and that she was satisfied with him as her mate.

So on a primal level, the man would want a woman who could potentially care for his offspring, nurturing them both in and out of her womb. While primarily, women would want a man who would protect them and their offspring- warding off beasts and all that jazz.

The men had to worry that the women wouldn’t wander their eyes to the other men, insecure that another might be more suited for their protection. While women would worry the men would wander off, leaving them venerable with another mouth to feed and protect.

That is the raw slate of human mating. The beginnings of the conundrum.

In today’s society, relationships are still built on that platform. The innate need for security and trust. But the beasts are not bears- but the monetary system. And sex doesn’t always mean children, thanks to modern medicine. So everyone’s motives over those thousands of years of complicating the world have even complicated such a simple desire.

Now men try to flaunt their bank accounts in stead of (or in addition to) their muscles. Which still doesn’t even seem to cut it for the ever growing population of self-sufficient women. It’s all so cut-throat, and dog-eat-dog just looking at the money aspect.. Just look at lifestyle compatibility..intellectual compatibility..educational prospects.. at life goals and expectations... Just look at the growing population, which is more accessible than ever. Holy fuck, no wonder people get so exhausted trying to find a mate. (I use the term mate, in the long-term sense...)

We will leave the hormone level talk for another day. But just realize that a woman with higher testosterone levels is more likely to share personality traits of men... be more relatable to their way of thinking. And likewise for men with higher estrogen to women. I just wanted to add that snippet, to get you thinking about how personality plays in relationships (both conducive and unrelated to mating).

Think about all those conversations everyone has. “He’s not my type.” “She’s not my type.” “I don’t even know what my type is!” Who the fuck is in their heads saying anyone has a type?-instincts... garbled, confused instincts.

So with the sunshine so infectious- warm air breathes new life into the city- and petals fall from the trees, collecting like potpourri at the sides of the streets- it is spring.

Spring ultimately reduces to that instinct we have to procreate, wether we choose to look at it that way or not. Some try to be civilized about it as the hormones rage on, and let the butterflies flutter in their stomachs. We romanticize the days as they pass, seeking out mates more subtlety. Dates, affairs, and tirades through the magnificent sun, letting the breeze blow through our hair until we find fingers of another which might intertwine with our own.

The idea of love is so captivating to so many, that I hardly believe people really know what it is. But they want it. They desire the connection with another human being through this “love’s” interlude.

All of this babble really started because I have been receiving an odd number of compliments, and observed the unusual chivalry men have been bestowing upon their female counterparts. It all seemed out of character, as though rehearsed, just to be released in this lovely weather for all to enjoy. When I made mention of the odd behavior to a coworker at “Job 2", he said it so simply, I could not have said it better.

“Dude, it’s mating season.”

"...I wouldn't want to not show up, and disappoint you."

Everyone knows at least one person where the space-time-continuum runs a bit differently from everyone else. These are the people whos “fifteen minutes” really means an hour and a half; somehow people still love them even if they sleep through the lunch you had planned with them a week in advance.

But why? Why is this shenanigans so acceptable for some people and not at all for others? At what point do people take responsibility, punctuality, and courtesy- to toss them aside, reduced to such a precedent?

Maybe it was the way I was raised. My dad was a military man.. but more importantly, a controlling one. Any time I would want to make plans I knew the hundred questions that would be cast in my direction. Whereareyougoing-Atwhattime-whosdriving-howareyougettingthere-whattimewillyoubedone-howmanyotherpeoplearegoing-howmuchdoesitcost-ect. They were questions that are engraved into my soul.

Of course, growing up, it could be very frustrating to answer all of them. The one issue I had with the interrogation before attempting to go out was that I often didn’t have all of the answers. It wasn’t even my fault most of the time. Some people are just really laid back about things. Another friend wants to join- the more the merrier. We’re having a great time and good conversation- so lets not end it. What is that place, over there, that I didn’t know existed- lets check it out. This way of thinking was unacceptable to my dad. Not enough pre-emptive details. Sometimes, I’d even consider it to be close-minded of him.

I think my mannerisms have morphed into a hybrid of these social attitudes. I love making plans with people who can follow through with them. Having a decent schedule, goal, or destination can guarantee a good time. Anything random that happens en liaison can either turn plans sour or make them the better. But you never know which it would be, or IF anything random would happen. Which is why sometimes I’m not in the mood to just wander aimlessly, hoping that my existence is enough to enjoy the time I share with someone. Though, there are occasions when I’d rather not know. I like surprises and adventure. Sometimes, I just want to get lost, escaping my reality, letting the stress of an agenda melt away- and feel like I discovered something. Sometimes, I just want to exist.

But at the end of the day, it reduces to the fact that in social situations, you CAN’T always be in control, because you cannot control the thoughts and actions of people around you. That’s what makes interaction such a bittersweet obsession for everyone.

So, yes- I counted how many electrical outlets were in every room when I first checked out the apartment in which I now reside. I have a calendar to mark down my hours of work. I know when I have appointments. When I’m free. How much time I can dedicate to others. I think about travel time- including traffic- how much gas is in a car if that is the mode of transportation. I’m mindful of how crowded a place will probably be, and how it will affect myself and whomever might be with me. I consider the lifestyle and monetary situation of those involved... and it goes on. When I’m the one making the plans, I like to think I’m considerate.

But I don’t want to be controlling like my dad.

I don’t want the questions which have helped shape me into an independent, successful young woman to consume me. So every once in a while, I try to let go. I try to let someone else make the plans, call the shots.

“...I wouldn’t want to not show up, and disappoint you.” was something a friend of mine recently admitted when I asked him if he wanted to catch up later in the week. I was satisfied that he at least admitted he was one of those guys. One of those people that will disappoint you with no notice if you make plans. One of those people that somehow gets away with it, but leaves a bitter taste in my mouth. At least he warned me. I have too often been disappointed by the lack of effort by others.

In fact, I can only think of one occasion when someone really succeeded on that notion. It was a trip to NY. Even though I had all of my travel information stowed in my bag, even though I had my own agenda lingering in the subconscious of my mind, I didn’t have to use it. I didn’t have to make a single “suggestion” to guide the day.

Of course it took some effort to relax- I felt venerable to the unknown and scarred by the unanswered questions (which seemed like a plague at the time). But I could get used to it. I could learn to let go if people were dependable like that more often..

..which brings us back to that bittersweet obsession everyone has. You just never know what will happen.

"...life is everything but work."

I was messaging back and forth with a friend from Germany when he wrote this:“Em Concerning your job.. you should definitely get some time for yourself. Life is more then just work. Actually life is everything but work.”

You see, I practically work eight days a week at my two jobs and. never. ever. stop. period. Even when I do have days off, they are often occupied by things on my to-do list, be it errands, working out, or catching up with friends. Everything takes time. Time is everything. In my logical-reasoning(possibly-self-destructive)mind, I know that time is the one thing I can not control. I can control my actions, reactions, goals, nourishments, education, all that good stuff- but time is relentless, and waits for noone, so I’d better make the most of what I’ve got.

So I work hard, play hard, reasoning to myself that at least I’m making the effort to have fun rather than let my work consume me. I know it is wearing down my body, and short-circuiting my brain a bit because I have been making uncharacteristic mistakes that make me look like a ditz.

All of the brainless comments that slip out in conversation are usually a consequence to having too many thoughts lingering around- not leaving enough space for them to properly formulate sentences. Hell, my closest friends know exactly what I’m saying when my brows furrow slightly from strained thought, and then the words come out in a series of sound effects, silent gestures, and fragmented grammar. Otherwise, I like to feel that I can articulate my opinions effectively, and appreciate when others can do the same.

But between the lost hours of sleep and exhaustion as of late, the feebleminded comments are more frequent (and even less voluntary). I have lost things. I have found things. But mostly I have become frustrated internally because I know it isn’t like me... because I know the mistakes I have made don’t make sense.

For instance.. I had worked eleven days straight, one of which was a double. At the end of the eleventh day I went to a friend’s going away party. There was a fiasco that night involving the death of my cellular phone, a wrong address, pouring rain, and somehow still making it to the bar after I had arrived home, soaked through to my skivvies -unmotivated. The next morning I got up early to go to Hyde Park, NY on a very necessary trip. Not much sleep was acquired, but I still managed to get up early the day I was to return-stopped in Manhattan for lunch-transferred at the appropriate stations to make it back to Philadelphia just in time for work. I didn’t even get to go back to my apartment first. It continues- the next day was going to be April 1st. I wanted to pull a prank, so as I closed down the pastry station at “Job 1" I left empty pans on the line. The coworker who was going to open the next morning is on the shorter side of life, so I even went the next step and put some items up in high places.. like on top of the microwave which was on top of the shelf, which was already out of reach for her. I thought it was funny. The next morning she text me, and we shared a laugh. I went about my business and got ready for work at “Job 2". I was banging out the prep list, making progress, and setting up for service when I received another text from her inquiring when I was going to get there. Shortly thereafter, one of the managers at “Job 1" text me, asking if everything was alright- if I was en route. I laughed to myself, thinking they were trying to pull one over on me, and text him back to let him know that I was at my other job... I stopped laughing when I realized I had just worked five hours at the wrong establishment- and was then an hour late for “Job 1". I had to, more embarrassed than ever, admit my mistake and high-tail it out of there, and arrive in the wrong uniform, flustered, and foolish. I was truly the April fool. To capo off the night, it turned out I had forgotten my keys and wallet at home in my apartment..since I had hastily emptied my bag of things from my two day trip to NY...since I hadn’t had a moment to stop.

I hate not making sense.

Getting back to that quote.. So my friend got me thinking- dwelling particularly on that last line, “...life is everything but work.”

Practically all I do is work. Does that mean I practically do not live? Has my obsessive concept of time and productivity led me to a strange sort of suicide? How can I reason to myself that I need to slow down? Why should I slow down?-I need the money to pay bills, loans, and fund the anti-anorexia campaign for my stomach.

The uncertainty will hang in the air like the flower petals which waft about the city in the spring breeze, time forgeing forward.

Introduction

For the last thirty-seven minutes I have started typing entries-then backspacing them entirely-then typed more. Reflectively, this is pretty much how my brain works, if anyone were to need a visualization. I’m constantly questioning things, changing them, contemplating, and trying to make sense.. Consequently, not making any sense at all half the time. A very seldom few get the babble as it rolls off the tip of my tongue, unfiltered, leaving questions about my competency.

Anyway, so that’s what I want this blog to be, in a sense. I want to let all of the ideas escape the confines of my mind. I want the atomic wall around my heart to break down, exposing the emotions it harbors. I want to paint a portrait upon this canvas of my life for others to see.

Hello, by the way- my name is Molly Waldeck. I am a walking conundrum, an indecisive artist, and I barely had time to write this.

As my words flow out-feel free to poor yourself a glass until it’s half-full.