It has been about three months since I moved to the city of Philadelphia. Not having to commute in from Jersey everyday has been awesome. Not to mention, the independence from my parents’ home has signified the new chapter of change in my life. Along with all the feel-good change, it became more than apparent that it isn’t all fluffy bunnies and rainbows- as I balled my eyes out, sitting on the floor of my living room three nights ago.
Everything seemed to just crash down on me. It’s been six months of pulling around sixty hours a week between two jobs, and stress was finally building up. It wasn’t even just necessarily stress about work. Sure I have begun to hate “Job 1"- and am looking to replace it soon. Sure I could be making more money- you can always make more of that. What got to me was my relationships with people. It has been tougher than anything to keep in touch with friends when they go to school, or work, or sleep, or whatever during the day up until I’m actually at work.. and then they are either sleeping- or drunk- or otherwise unavailable at about one in the morning when I can finally relax. And yes, I still steal my non-existent internet.
The situation reduced to the horrible perpetuating mix of my unavailability- due to my own self-destructive work schedule, and the distance from a support system I so desperately needed. Only one person has actually been there for me EVERY time I called him. But one person can not soothe my every qualm, relate to all my personal turmoil, or share in all my smiles. One person cannot compensate for a lifetime of memories.
As I cried, I thought, “What’s even the point?!” I don’t really know what point I was referring to, but I felt so very alone. The only people I have in the city are those I met through work. Not that they aren’t good people, but I don’t spend much time with them outside of work. To me, socializing and getting too comfortable with coworkers opens doors to drama in the workplace, which creates unnecessary stress. Lets keep it professional, people.
I felt even more separated from those I cared about that night. I already knew the proximity thing. But feeling like they wouldn’t want me to call- that I couldn’t- that there was nothing to say if I did- that we were becoming familiar strangers. It pulled tightly on my heartstrings.
To make me feel even more like a fool, I have recently perused the pages of “The Brain Book” by Rita Carter, and was analyzing my own breakdown- as I was breaking down.
Emotions: Certain stimuli (including some thoughts and imaginings) cause changes in the body by activating areas in the limbic system, especially the amygdata. Conscious “feelings” occur when signals from the limbic system are sent on to “association areas” in the prefrontal cortex that support consciousness. During adolescence, the amygdala is relied heavily upon for processing emotional information, because the prefrontal cortex only matures when a person has reached their late twenties.
This was written along side a chart which showed the functions of the brain as a fantastic, color-coded map. What startled me, was that the region which emotions were linked to, by relation to all of the other functions, was such a teeny, tiny dot. The passage explained why young people are so dramatic- because the brain is compensating for developmental changes. But everyone else? Emotions are the catalyst for which people live, grow, and kill. How could it be so small?
“How can this stupid dot be doing this to me?” was another exclaiming thought as I tried to clam down. That’s the thing about emotions though- rationalization doesn’t do much to restrain them. They make as much sense as they want to...
(This image is not the one from "The Brain Book")
Everything seemed to just crash down on me. It’s been six months of pulling around sixty hours a week between two jobs, and stress was finally building up. It wasn’t even just necessarily stress about work. Sure I have begun to hate “Job 1"- and am looking to replace it soon. Sure I could be making more money- you can always make more of that. What got to me was my relationships with people. It has been tougher than anything to keep in touch with friends when they go to school, or work, or sleep, or whatever during the day up until I’m actually at work.. and then they are either sleeping- or drunk- or otherwise unavailable at about one in the morning when I can finally relax. And yes, I still steal my non-existent internet.
The situation reduced to the horrible perpetuating mix of my unavailability- due to my own self-destructive work schedule, and the distance from a support system I so desperately needed. Only one person has actually been there for me EVERY time I called him. But one person can not soothe my every qualm, relate to all my personal turmoil, or share in all my smiles. One person cannot compensate for a lifetime of memories.
As I cried, I thought, “What’s even the point?!” I don’t really know what point I was referring to, but I felt so very alone. The only people I have in the city are those I met through work. Not that they aren’t good people, but I don’t spend much time with them outside of work. To me, socializing and getting too comfortable with coworkers opens doors to drama in the workplace, which creates unnecessary stress. Lets keep it professional, people.
I felt even more separated from those I cared about that night. I already knew the proximity thing. But feeling like they wouldn’t want me to call- that I couldn’t- that there was nothing to say if I did- that we were becoming familiar strangers. It pulled tightly on my heartstrings.
To make me feel even more like a fool, I have recently perused the pages of “The Brain Book” by Rita Carter, and was analyzing my own breakdown- as I was breaking down.
Emotions: Certain stimuli (including some thoughts and imaginings) cause changes in the body by activating areas in the limbic system, especially the amygdata. Conscious “feelings” occur when signals from the limbic system are sent on to “association areas” in the prefrontal cortex that support consciousness. During adolescence, the amygdala is relied heavily upon for processing emotional information, because the prefrontal cortex only matures when a person has reached their late twenties.
This was written along side a chart which showed the functions of the brain as a fantastic, color-coded map. What startled me, was that the region which emotions were linked to, by relation to all of the other functions, was such a teeny, tiny dot. The passage explained why young people are so dramatic- because the brain is compensating for developmental changes. But everyone else? Emotions are the catalyst for which people live, grow, and kill. How could it be so small?
“How can this stupid dot be doing this to me?” was another exclaiming thought as I tried to clam down. That’s the thing about emotions though- rationalization doesn’t do much to restrain them. They make as much sense as they want to...
(This image is not the one from "The Brain Book")
Funny... You have a sister that lives in the city.
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